Adventures in Landlording

I think we have the renter from hell living in our house. This lady has found everything possible that could be considered wrong/fixable with the house, and we’ve fixed it. Now, she has moved on to making crap up. Here’s her laundry list of ‘issues’ we had to discuss this morning at 8:30 am, even though I have asked her repeatedly not to call me during business hours if it is not an emergency:

1. There is a ‘smell’ in the air when she turns on the heat or A/C.
It has been an odd spring in central Illinois, and the Heat or A/C hasn’t been run in about 2.5 months. These things smell a little bit when you turn them on after awhile. If you would just turn it on and leave it on, instead of ‘getting disgusted by the smell’ and turning it off again, the smell would burn off and it wouldn’t be an issue.

2. The water coming out of the bathroom sink (and nowhere else in the house) smells like sulfur.
Lady, I don’t smell it, Josh doesn’t smell it, the plumber doesn’t smell it, and non of our house guests have ever smelled it. Peoria has hard water, not sulfur water. Sulfur water is very distinct, and I hate hate hate it, so trust me, I would have noticed it. You are nuts.

3. She wants us to replace the tub because the jets are corroded.
Yeah right, lady. That is going to cost us $750 - $1000. You are just going to have to live with a little calcium build up or get some Lime Away and scrub it out if you don’t like it. The tub is structurally sound, so it’s staying.

4. Her mouth and lips feel ‘raw’ and ‘burns’ when she wakes up in the morning. She thinks there is an air quality issue in the house, perhaps formaldehyde or lead paint.
Listen, crazy, our house doesn’t have lead paint, and it certainly doesn’t have a chemical problem. We had the air quality of the house checked when we bought it and it was fine – no mold, no Carbon Monoxide, no weird chemicals. Since then we’ve put in a better furnace and change the filters monthly and we installed a Carbon Monoxide detector just to be on the safe side. THE HOUSE IS FINE. Get a humidifier, the house is dry. I told you that when you moved in.

5. The traffic outside the house bothers her.
I can’t stop people from driving on the public roadway, and I certainly can’t move the house. So what do you expect me to do? You were at the house a half dozen times before signing the lease. You DROVE to the house. You knew the traffic level of the neighborhood. Deal with it.

One day two weeks ago she called in a panic because it was raining quite hard and the rain was spilling out of the gutters. I actually had to drive to the house, in a freakin’ monsoon, on my lunch break to check the house out. She calls me ALL the time during work hours. And if she doesn’t call during work hours, she calls at 8:30 pm on a Saturday night. What does she expect me to do at 8:30 on a Saturday night for a non-emergency? Rush over there and ruin our plans? Harldy.

Also her favorite thing to say when we discuss her ‘issues’ is, “I really don’t want to have to leave.” Fine lady, leave. You don’t have to live in our house, but you singed a year lease, so you have to keep paying for it. If you don’t pay the rent, I’ll take you to court, and we’ll win, because you are nuts and we have complied with all of your reasonable requests, and even some unreasonable ones.

Does anybody have any good advice for dealing with this crazy woman?