Four Weeks

It has been four weeks today since my dad died. I don't feel any closer to 'better' than I did on June 9th, really. Most days it still doesn't feel real....I catch myself thinking...Is he still dead? As if he has been sick or away, and I just expect him to bounce back, to call. And when I talk about it to people, it still feels like a story I am telling about somebody else....this can't be my life I'm talking about. But it is, and some days, when it catches up to me, it is all consuming. And I've realized that ever since his death, I've felt like I'm split in two - like my life story has two very distinct chapters - BDD, Before Dads Death, and ADD, After Dads Death. But I am starting to accept that the whole first year is probably going to be unbelievable difficult and that it is okay to be sad. That it is okay to be the sad girl with the dead dad, because that is what I am. There are just so many 'firsts'...fathers day, birthdays, holidays...there is always something right around the corner...always something popping up reminding me of him, reminding me he is gone. And for at least this first year, there wont be a lot of truely happy times...mostly bittersweet....but someday there will be really happy days again.