I just don't see the world the same way anymore, now that my dad is gone. I try and try, but nothing feels the same. I think about him constantly, and wonder what he would have been doing at that very moment if he were still here with us. Maybe the hardest part is that sometimes, it still doesn't feel real. Like the other night when I had a question about moisture in our basement, my first thought was, 'I'll call my dad - he'll know'. Those moments seem to happen a lot, and its hard to realize, over and over, that I can't call him, that I can't ever hug him again, or say 'I love you', or tell my dad how my day was, that he is gone forever.

And it just doesn't seem fair.

And I miss him - every second of every day - I miss him. And I know that he wouldn't want me to feel this way - but instead remember the happy times and the wonderful relationship that we shared. But for now at least, even those thoughts make me cry. I know that someday I will have the strength to look back on them and smile - maybe even laugh. But for now, all I have is tears.

And stress. Loads and loads of stress from dealing with my family. I've always been the 'doer' of my siblings and I - the responsible one. So of course, this was no different. From arranging the funeral and obituary to writing the thanks yous and going through all his things - I mostly did it alone. That was definitely hard. And while I was home I had to be the strong one - supporting everyone else - which left me little time to deal with my own grief and healing.

Being unselfish was very difficult, as well. Because my father served in the Armed Forces, my siblings and I were presented with an American Flag and a Bible by the local VFW post during my fathers memorial service. Because my siblings chose not to be around, I had to make the decisions, so I gave the Flag to my older sister, and the Bible to my younger sister. And with everything inside of me, I wanted that flag. But I knew what I did was right, even if it didn't feel good.

I'm going to try to go back to work tomorrow. I'm tired of sitting home alone being sad, and cleaning. (I clean to take my mind of things) It helps that I work with wonderful people who really are compassionate. Sometimes its easier though, when you are surrounded by strangers who don't know and don't care. Its difficult to have people worry over you, ask you questions, hug you. I think if will be good for me to be back, though. To get back into a normal routine and regain some structure.

Thank you everyone, for the kind words, thoughts, prayers, and encouragment during this horrible time in my life. I am so lucky to know such an amazing group of women, and I am so thankful for each of you.