Monday, August 17, 2009

The Not-So-Little Green Monster Named Jealousy

Saturday our friends Kathleen and Adam were married in Peoria. The ceremony was beautiful and the reception was a lot of fun. But through both, a lot of what I was feeling was jealousy and sadness.

I was sad for my sister, who on her wedding day will walk down the isle alone.

I was jealous and sad when Kathleen's dad made an emotional speech at the reception. I will never again hear my father say 'I love you'.

I was jealous of all the women that still had their fathers - the women who don't know what its like to lose your dad, who take him for granted, because having him in your life is all you know, until you don't.

I was jealous and sad during Kathleen's father-daughter dance. My dad loved to dance (and had some pretty good moves!). My sister will have no father-daughter dance at her wedding.

I was jealous and sad as I watched Kathleen dancing with her three sisters - laughing, acting crazy - you could just tell they had 'that kind' of relationship, 'that kind' of friendship. My siblings and I don't have that, for varied but deep seeded reasons.

I wish I didn't feel jealousy or sadness over such little things - things that are fundamentally so happy. But I do. My feelings were most likely compounded because the day after (August 16th), marks the one year anniversary of spreading my dads ashes. But it's not just at weddings or because of a holiday or anniversary, it's every day. It's every time someone casually mentions their own father in passing and I have to catch my breath and consciously try not to think about my own father and how I will never again be able to refer to him in the present. It's every time I want to talk about my dad but can't out of fear. Fear that I will break down crying, fear that people will feel weird if I talk about my deceased father, and the fear that comes from knowing that people who have not lost a parent cannot possibly understand that it's something you never, never get over. It's all the time, and I can't change that; I just have to live with it and try not to be consumed by it.

6 comments:

h said...

*hugs* I think it is natural to feel jealous of those who have what you want/need. It's human nature. I worry that if my father doesn't start taking care of himself I'll be like your sister...no father to walk me down the aisle, no father/daughter dance, no father to make a speech and it breaks my heart to think about. Sadly, it is something I think about a lot lately.

Jericho Rose said...

You should definitely talk about it with friends and family. It may make you feel a tad better. At least you can get it off your chest. You should be able to talk about your dad freely. Anyone will listen...guaranteed. I hope you are feeling a little better!

AJ said...

I know you're super busy, and finding time might be tough, but maybe talking to a counselor would help??? They may have tactics to help deal with some of the every day things.

I was really close with my grandparents when I was little. Closer than I was to my parents at the time because my parents worked a lot and I didn't really get along with my mom very well, and that started at an early age. My grandparents ended up being more like parents to me. My grandpa has been gone 17 years and my grandma almost 15 years. I cried in church last Sunday when they played the song at communion that played during communion at both of their funerals. Partially it was because my mom and sister were there, and I'm just all pregnant and emotional, but I still think about them and miss them every single day. I don't think it ever goes away completely, but doing things to remember them makes me feel a little better.

Jen said...

I really wish I knew something to say to make it easier for you. I cannot imagine how hard this must be. I did have similar feelings after my cousins died and even over 10 years later at my wedding I remember thinking that I wished Kristen could have been part of my bridal party. I think I was bitter for a really long time and it's only recently that I can remember them without thinking of how unfair it all is. I agree, I don't think you ever get over it but with time hopefully it'll get easier.

I think we should hang out again soon. I'm really glad I got to see you and Josh this past weekend!

alanna rose said...

Your feelings are valid and normal. Don't be afraid to cry or breakdown, don't worry that your feelings might make others feel awkward.

Big hugs!

Melissa said...

I'm not even going to pretend to know how you feel. I can't begin to comprehend it. I just hope you know that I am here for you and you can talk to me anytime. Sure I will probably cry along with you - especially now - but that's okay :) Love you and see you soon!